Scars or Birthmarks?

Have you left your diamonds in the dust?

2011-12-19T13:54:00.001-08:00

A song by Tom Martin, UK!

"Real" Priests and No Vatican?

2011-12-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

Is 2012 the year of Independent Catholicism? ...maybe so, but first we have to show the world that "real" priests exist outside of Rome.

In the wake of the disaster that contintnues to unfold in the mainstream Roman church, many parishioners have chosen to abandon their ritual practice and walk away from the traditions of the Church. I have been amused by the rantings of conservative Catholics who condemn their brothers and sisters who have left the Roman church. Those same conservatives "defend" the church and maintain that, despite the horrific effects clergy sexual abuse has had on countless families, Catholics have a moral obligation to remain in the Roman church and obey its leaders even if those leaders do not act in accordance with the divine mandate to love one another and to protect the children of God. They say Catholics don't have the right to challenge the hierarchy of the church. They say "faithful" Catholics should never question their bishops and certainly never reject their authority.

I wonder if any of these conservative Catholics have ever experienced the Gospel? A central element of the ministry of Jesus is the unflinching criticism of the hypocritical hierarchs of the church. The words of Jesus call on the people to continue to practice their faith, but to do this by loving one another, concerned only with obedience to God's voice, not the voice of hypocrites (whether or not those hypocrites are leaders of their church). The words of the scripture tell the people to remain faithful to the Divine Voice in their hearts. It seems to me that a "faithful" Catholic would recognize his obligation to live his life as Christ demands. So why do conservative Catholics fail to acknowledge the incarnation of Jesus as the life template for all who profess to be children of God and followers of Christ? Why not demand, as Jesus did, that church leaders act as good shepherds?

I am one of the people that conservative Catholics condemn for questioning church leaders and eventually leaving the Roman jurisdiction. I am always amazed at how easy it is for people who claim to be people of God to judge others. I am equally amazed by the hate-filled verbal venom these same "godly" people are able to spew from their "saintly" mouths. A recent conversation with a Roman parishioner is what inspired---or rather, incited---me to write this post.

The woman approached me as I was heading into the post to pick up my mail. She saw my collar and respectfully said, "Hello, Father" I greeted her and continued to walk by. She called out to me asking me "What parish are you from?" I explained to her that I was raised Roman Catholic but I am not a Roman priest and so was not based in any Roman parish. "Well what are you?" she asked with a bit of perturbation. I then simply said that I minister in a community that has the same Sacramental tradition but is not connected to the Roman Vatican and that I left the Roman church in good conscience. To which she replied, "Oh, so you're not a 'real' priest. You know you've got a lot of nerve wearing a priest collar. And you grew up a good Catholic? Your mother must be horrified."

I have to admit that I am not proud of how I responded, because I did so with the same arrogant attitude that she was giving me. I should have just walked away, but instead I said... "Well what really horrified her is the three Roman priests who sexually abused me ... pretty much she's okay with my choice of clothing." To my amazement she said, "Well at least they were 'real' priests. I'm glad your not at a parish, good riddance."

When I see all of the darkness in the mainstream church and when I encounter "good" Catholics like the one I just described, it feels like a dagger piercing my heart. When I vented my frustration over the situation to a close RC friend, she told me that "the woman did have a point. I mean your not a "real" priest anymore." ...as I felt that dagger twist. There was a time that I lamented my exit from the mainstream church, but now am grateful that God's own voice led me out of a group that never really loved me to begin with. I am blessed to have found the Independent Catholic Movement.

In this post I am going to discuss my reasons for leaving the Roman church and then I am going to provide some information on Independent Catholicism. At the end of the post I am going to briefly discuss the earliest independent movements. I am also going to quote from several binding Roman Catholic documents that show Independent Catholic bishops possess the same sacramental authority as any other Catholic bishop. I am not including the Roman documents because I think that Independent bishops somehow "need" to be justified by Rome. I am simply including the information so that the next time an RC parishioner questions my "realness," I can tell them where to go. ...uh, to this blog post that is.

Why did I leave the Roman Church?

What many of my quick-to-judge conservative RC critics don't know is that members of my faith community and I worked hard to remain with our RC brothers and sisters. The founding members of my faith community were all perpetually professed members-in-good-standing of a Roman Catholic Religious Order. We all had ministered for years in the Church. It wasn't until the local diocese failed to remove an abusive priest from ministry, that I came forward and publicly spoke about the abuse I suffered at the hands of priests. I requested a meeting with the bishop to report the names of the priests and the details of my abuse. I thought (foolishly, apparently) that the bishop would meet with me and respond as loving pastor of the Church. I thought he would do the right thing and remove the priests in question. I had no intention of suing the diocese, I just wanted the priests dealt with.

That didn't happen. The bishop refused to meet with me, but did (through the superiors of my religious community) order me to be silent and "docile to his authority." I was also ordered by my religious community to write a letter of apology to the bishop for acting disobediently. I was told that if I did not issue a letter of apology that I would be declared "out of communion with the diocese." I was then informed that the bishop would also take action against all members of my local ministry. So, was I expected to make a formal apology to the local bishop for not being the "good" kind of abuse victim...you know, the silent kind? Instead the local membership of my community and I responded with a letter asserting our canonical rights to continue to minister as members of our association of the faith in spite of his threats against our ministry.

In a matter of days, the diocese sent a letter to all parishes expelling my community and me from all participation in parish life. Just after that, I received a letter from the diocesan attorney telling me that as a result of making allegations of sexual abuse, I was barred from having any further communication with any priest of the diocese! It made it sound as though the priests had to be protected from such a person who would dare attack their character. When I read that letter, I cried as I wondered to myself...if I had the courage to come forward as a child, would the diocese have told me I was at fault for my abuse? ...that if I wasn't such a prayerful child I wouldn't have spent so much time in church and so the priests would not have had any occasion to abuse me?

During this ordeal it was a retired bishop of the Independent Catholic Movement who came to my aid. He was a former priest of the diocese who left the church in the 1980's. He too questioned the actions of the bishops and when he was faced with the decision to stay and remain quiet or leave and remain with Christ...he chose Christ. And so did I. I joined the independent movement and was eventually consecrated a bishop. Now I never have to beg any other man for sacramental crumbs from his table because God has blessed me with a feast of my own to share with the world.

There is another interesting part of my story. After I was consecrated a bishop, I wrote to Rome. I sent a series of letters directly to the office of the Holy Father. My letters explained my situation in detail. The Vatican acknowledged the receipt of my letters and I began a year-long effort of correspondence with the highest authorities in the church. At the time I thought that there was still some hope that some good could come of what had happened to me. I thought that being a consecrated bishop, I would be heard. You would think I would have learned my lesson a few years before. What made me think that being a bishop pleading with the pope would be any different from my experience as a member of a religious order pleading with a local bishop? It's all the same. The problem is not an isolated problem that exists in a diocese here and a diocese there. The problem is systemic. It took me too long to recognize that fact.

What is Independent Catholicism like?

Most independent catholic communities are small. Many don't even own a church of their own. They minister wherever they are. Some "indy" bishops have relationships with pastors from non-Roman churches and have the benefit of having Mass for their community in a borrowed space. It's rare for an independent catholic priest or bishop to receive a salary from the community because few independent communities even have a bank account. So, most priests work secular jobs to support themselves. To many RC parishioners this is laughable. But to all those who think that a "real" church owns property, has an impressive bank account, and thousands of parishioners, I say this: In the first century Jesus sent out the Apostles with nothing, only the power of God's own Word. Jesus sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. They were told "Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra coat. Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake their dust off your feet"

If in this day and age one must possess riches and buildings in order to be considered a "real" priest or bishop of Christ, what of the Preacher of Nazareth? What of him who didn't even have a place to lay his head?

This must be something new in the Church, right?

Well that depends on what you mean by new. Certainly, the Gospels and the writings of St. Paul (see Galatians 1:11-24 with footnotes from the US Catholic Bishops Conference) confirm that priesthood of Christ and the creation of apostles (bishops) is not limited to any particular congregation. So, independent bishops (relating to the ministry of Christ) really started with St. Paul. Who is acknowledged as an Apostle even though his apostleship started independent of the first 12 Apostles of Jesus.

...But if that reference doesn't quite satisfy those who still believe that "outside of Rome, there can be no 'real' bishops" I offer this:

In 1145 Pope Eugene III granted the people of the Diocese of Utrecht, Holland the right to elect and consecrate its own bishops. The Fourth Lateran Council confirmed this in 1215. The Fourth Lateran Council is a recognized infallible council of the Roman Catholic Magisterium. Pope Eugene and the Council fathers essentially approved the creation of the ecclesiastical community that we call "Old Catholics." Referring to someone as "Old Catholic" has nothing to do with the age of the catholic in question; and it doesn't mean that they are part of any of today's break-away traditional Latin-language groups. It means that they are a part of the legitimate catholic entity that received papal and universal church approval in 1145. Many Independent bishops are a part of the lineage of the bishops of Utrecht, including two of the four bishops who by the laying-on of hands transmitted their apostolic lineage to me.

You may be curious as to how "Old Catholic" bishops now exist all over the world and are not limited to the original diocese. This has happen in the same way that many religious communities experience growth. As members and ministries of the community grew, the bishops sent priests (and eventually bishops) as missionaries to other places in the world. The movement became so vibrant and grew so steadily that Catholic Bishops from other parts of the world began to complain to Rome about the Episcopi Vagantes (which means "wandering bishops" the term was used to describe bishops who were not part of any geographically anchored diocese) who were claiming to be true bishops of the church and who were ministering in their dioceses. In the early 1500's bishops petitioned the Pope to declare that the wandering bishops were not validly consecrated and not true bishops of the Church. They also wanted the bishops in the diocese of Utrecht to be brought up on charges in a Vatican court and punished for ordaining bishops without papal approval.

In the year 1520 Pope Leo X brought an end to the conflict and issued a papal bull "Debitum Pastoralis." While many bishops thought that this would be the end of the Episcopi Vagantes, Pope Leo confirmed the authority, right, power, and privilege granted to the church of Utrecht to elect and consecrate its own bishops. The papal bull gave extraordinary powers to the presiding bishop of Utrecht (Bishop Philip of Burgundy) which would protect him and all bishops who would come after him from ever being forced to give up the infallibly proclaimed right to consecrate bishops to serve their communities. The bull made it impossible for any church authority to interfere with the ministry of the wandering bishops of Utrecht. The bull went so far as to state that no bishop in the future could ever challenge the validity of the bishops tracing their ministry to Utrecht, "not even under pretense of any apostolic letters whatever; and that all such proceedings should be, ipso facto, null and void." Meaning that not even a future Pope could impede the ministry of the "wandering bishops."

Certainly the fact that one pope sanctioned the group, one infallible Church Council confirmed the group, and another pope published a binding papal bull ensuring the validity of the future bishops should suffice to end all questions concerning the existence of true bishops (with the same sacramental authority as their Roman counterparts) outside of the Vatican-based church.

But, if a papal bull from 1520 still isn't "current" enough for you. I offer a few more proofs:

On June 16, 2000, Pope John Paul II ratified the document "Dominus Iesus." The document is a declaration of the Vatican Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. The document was written under the direction and supervision of Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger (now Pope Benedict XVI). In this official declaration of the Roman Catholic Church we see confirmation that Rome recognizes the validity of Orders and Sacraments of churches whose bishops were not consecrated by Vatican-based entities:

Therefore, there exists a single Church of Christ, which subsists in the Catholic Church, governed by the Successor of Peter and by the Bishops in communion with him. The Churches which, while not existing in perfect communion with the Catholic Church, remain united to her by means of the closest bonds, that is, by apostolic succession and a valid Eucharist, are true particular Churches. Therefore, the Church of Christ is present and operative also in these Churches, even though they lack full communion with the Catholic Church, since they do not accept the Catholic doctrine of the Primacy, which, according to the will of God, the Bishop of Rome objectively has and exercises over the entire Church. (section IV, no.17)

The declaration goes on to quote the Second Vatican Council's Decree Unitatis Redintegratio: Therefore, these separated Churches and communities as such, though we believe they suffer from defects, have by no means been deprived of significance and importance in the mystery of salvation. For the spirit of Christ has not refrained from using them as means of salvation which derive their efficacy from the very fullness of grace and truth entrusted to the Catholic Church.

In addition...

The Roman Catholic Code of Canon Law acknowledges that there are "non-Catholic" ministers who possess valid apostolic succession and the same sacramental authority as their Roman counterparts. Roman law tells us that when "necessity requires it or true spiritual advantage suggests it, and provided that danger of error or indifferentism is avoided, the Christian faithful for whom it is physically or morally impossible to approach a Catholic minister are permitted to receive the sacraments of penance, Eucharist and anointing of the sick from non-Catholic ministers in whose Churches these sacraments are valid." The law goes on to confirm that Roman priests can also administer the Sacraments to the laity of other churches with valid Sacraments. see Canon 844, 2-5 from the Vatican web site.

So it is certainly possible to receive "real" Sacraments from non-Roman priests and it is permissible for Roman priests to administer the sacraments to non-Roman lay people.

Ask the average RC parishioner if it is possible to receive the "real presence of Christ" in the Eucharist from a church that is not Roman and you are likely to be told "no way." I believe If the average RC parishioner actually read the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the Canon Law, and the documents of the Councils they profess to be infallible, they would discover a very different church. Maybe I should start quizzing random RC parishioners about their knowledge of official Roman Catholic documents... maybe they aren't "real" parishioners.

The Beauty of Independent Catholic Voices

As the RC pews continue to empty I am happy that there is a network of true ministers of Christ who are able to shepherd the lost sheep. I am overjoyed that courageous Independent bishops are able to discuss: Same-Sex Marriage, Adoption of children by same-sex couples, Divorce and annulment, Ordination of married men, Ordination of women, and so many other subjects in a way that does not judge or alienate. I pray that more mainstream Catholics discover the reality of Independent Catholicism and choose the movement as an alternative to simply walking away from the traditions that bring them closer to the Divine.

Click this link to read an article by Cathleen Kaveny who teaches theology and law at the University of Notre Dame. She addresses many of the issues I've just touched upon.

I invite all the Independent Catholic bishops and priests who read this post to comment, suggest further reading, or post links to your own websites or articles supporting the Independent Movement.

With hope for the future, I am,

+Tomas Martin, OPD

From the Chicago Tribune...

2011-08-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

Review of 'Render Unto Rome: The Secret Life of Money in the Catholic Church' by Jason Berry - direct link to Chicago Tribune Book Review blog- click here

By Steve Fiffer
Special to Tribune Newspapers

What does a church do when faced with potentially having to pay billions of dollars in damages to victims of sexual abuse at the hands of its clergy? As Jason Berry documents so well in his compelling new book, "Render Unto Rome," the Catholic Church's initial response was to fight the charges.

Highly placed bishops and cardinals denied any knowledge of such abuse or claimed that proper procedures had been followed in sending known pedophiles from one parish to another, where they often committed the same vile acts. High-priced lawyers argued that even if such evils had taken place, the statute of limitations had passed and victims were not entitled to compensation. And perhaps worst of all, high-ranking church officials in the Vatican and the United States branded the accusers as liars. Apologies were almost as hard to come by as restitution.

We know that ultimately such tactics failed miserably and that archdioceses across the country and around the world have either lost or settled lawsuits that might bankrupt a major corporation — over $700 million in damages in Los Angeles alone.

So how does an archdiocese pay for these damages and the hefty legal fees associated with them? Some archdioceses have actually filed for bankruptcy, while insurance payments and loans from banks with ties to the Vatican have helped others cover the costs. But, sadly, all too often the short answer has been on the backs of good, innocent parishioners.

According to Berry the church has shut down more than 1300 parishes in the U.S. since 1995. Some of these closings were legitimate due to declining attendance and other factors; however Berry's focus is on those churches with vibrant congregations, strong balance sheets, and, in many cases, parishioners themselves willing to raise the funds to meet any operating deficits.

Why were so many of these parishes targeted? According to this painstakingly researched book, it was because closing them would allow the church to sell off their real estate, much of which was extremely valuable. Whether the money reaped from such sales should "follow the parishioners" or go to the archdiocese to use as it pleased has, understandably, been the subject of much contention and even litigation.

This battle pitting observant Catholics against their local bishops and cardinals came to a head in the midst of the sex scandals plaguing the Church. Parishioners whose places of worship were to be shuttered and whose land holdings were to be sold argued that if closure was inevitable, sale proceeds should go to the congregations, not, as often appeared to be the case, to settle the lawsuits based on misdeeds that were none of their doing.

In "Render Unto Rome," Berry focuses his intelligent eye on two cities, Boston and Cleveland. In each of these locales, the architect of post-scandal downsizing was a less-than-likable bishop named Richard Lennon. Berry questions the bishop's reasoning and motives in closing over 60 parishes in Boston alone — where it just so happened that lawsuits and settlements from the infamous Cardinal Law era totaled over $150 million.

Berry knows the church landscape as well as any living investigative journalist. Almost 20 years ago, he documented the sex scandal in "Lead us Not into Temptation." And in 2004, along with the late Gerald Renner, he wrote the highly-regarded, "Vows of Silence: The Abuse of Power in the Papacy of Pope John Paul II."

Berry knows how to find the story lines that humanize the stomach-turning behavior of the pedophiles, those who protected them, and those who sought to clean up the mess in less than savory ways. In "Render Unto Rome," Berry follows the fascinating Peter Borre, a Harvard-educated Boston businessman likened to Don Quixote. After his church, which catered to working class immigrants, was slated for closure, Borre embarked on an effort to keep it and other churches open using tactics ranging from civil disobedience to sophisticated appeals to the Vatican.

At one point Borre brought petitions bearing 3500 signatures to the chancery in Boston's Brighton neighborhood. "'We're not interested in petitions,' the priest uttered. Borre asked what they should do with the petitions. The cleric, whom he recognized as a chancery official, retorted, 'You should go f--- yourself,'" writes Berry.

With his business background, Borre became curious about church finances: "How did a 'land rich' church manage its assets?" Berry ably chronicles the history of local churches sending money to Rome and the lack of financial transparency, accountability, and efficiency in the Vatican and its archdioceses.

Most disturbing is the case of Father Marcial Maciel Degollado, the Mexican-born priest who founded the Legion of Christ. Numerous men, some of them now clergy, charged Maciel had sexually abused them when they were young. Berry follows the gifts that flowed from the cash-rich Legion to the powerful Cardinal Angelo Sodano, Vatican secretary of state from 1991 to 2006. With Sodano as his protector, Maciel enjoyed the support of Pope John Paul II. Condemnation and removal from duties came only after Pope Benedict XVI took power. At that time it was revealed that in addition to pedophilia, Maciel had fathered children with two women and had committed incest with one of his sons.

While Maciel is as close to evil as any character in this tawdry story, many of the other principals are more complex. So many of the cardinals and bishops took admirable positions in fighting for civil rights, world peace, and immigrant rights, that it is hard to imagine they could recycle known pedophiles throughout the system and play dumb when caught. Sadly, their allegiance to Rome seemed to trump those Rome was supposed to serve.

Chicago, which has not escaped the scandal, escapes Berry's focus…almost. He notes that three years after the Catholic Church adopted a youth protection charter in 2002, "Cardinal Francis George…put an accused pedophile back in ministry over warnings from his advisory board. The priest reoffended, went to jail, the archdiocese paid heavily to the victims —and Cardinal George was elected president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops."

Steve Fiffer is the author of several books, including the memoir "Three Quarters, Two Dimes, and a Nickel."

"Render Unto Rome: The Secret Life of Money in the Catholic Church"
By Jason Berry
Crown, $25, 432 pages
CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE FROM AMAZON

What Defines a Family?

2011-02-05T06:49:00.000-08:00

Knowing the Unknown Author

2011-01-12T21:01:00.000-08:00

I recently found this letter online. It was an article written about "The Awakening" the site lists the author as "unknown." I present it here for your consideration.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that its time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy-tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you,) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are, what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and you learn the importance of setting boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more loveable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love.

And you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and you learn that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you decide you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you deserve..and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More important, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it; and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes "bad" things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to take things personally. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening; and you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle for less than your heart's desire...and you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. You make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

-Author Unknown

Turning your scars into symbols of healing

2011-01-05T01:35:00.000-08:00

(adapted from a talk given to Lay Dominicans in May 2006 and again to the OPD Community in 2009)

Today I want to talk about life’s scars. I will encourage you to think about the most painful and formative moments of your life. I will ask you to take a mental inventory of those moments and then to try to identify the symbolism of the events of your life. I believe that our lives are part of a mythology that has existed since the beginning of time. In the same way that we study the life stories of many of history’s great ones, we should know our own history. I believe it is important for you to make the story of your life, truly your own story. By taking an inventory of the pivotal points in your development, you can begin to understand why your life has taken you down certain paths; and you can begin to heal any old wounds you may have.

Your memory is important. It is how you populate your mental heaven, so I think it is important for you to protect your memory. Since some of the “elder” sisters gave me the “you’re a young punk” eyes when I gave a similar talk a few years ago, let me explain what I mean. I’m not speaking of battling forgetfulness. Think of your memory as a book shelf and your memories as the volumes on the shelf. You have only so much room to store the books that are important to you. If this bookshelf was the legacy you leave to the world, would you not do your best to choose only the volumes that tell your story in the truest light? Today I want to talk about purging your bookshelf of less important volumes that either do not lend true light to the life you’ve lived or that add unnecessary mental pain to the process of living your life.

I am not recommending denial as a healing strategy, quite the contrary. I am suggesting that you take a deep look into the events that have made you the person who you are today. This introspection however should be approached as a mythological study rather than simply a stroll down memory lane. I want you to really know who you are and then to take ownership of your identity. How can you live your story if you don’t know what it is?

One of my favorite poets is William Wordsworth. When asked why he wrote poetry he explained that he wanted to create what he called “spots of time.” He wrote poems about the times, people, and places that brought him his greatest joys so that later in life he could re-read those poems in times of stress and be transported back to the place of the poem and relieve his momentary stress. This is a technique that can be quite powerful. I think that many people create negative spots of time without realizing it.

Wordsworth’s formula can help you heal from past pains and at the same time help you understand your own story. What spots of time are important in your life? What moments do you relive time and time again? If your spots of time are more painful than positive, I bet it is because you haven’t identified the most powerful moments in your mythological life path. If you were writing a mythological story about your life character, what events would be important to include? If I were to ask you to identify 12 spots of time that tell your story, what would those 12 stories be?

If this exercise is to really benefit you it has to be something that is honest. By that I mean that you can’t simply choose to ignore the pitfalls and mistakes and tell only the sunshine and daisies version of your life. Would the story of Jesus in the gospels be real if it didn’t include the passion and struggle? Would anyone in pain benefit from a Jesus who never had a painful experience?

Let me tell you about one of my spots of time as an example: My first memory is of my Mom. The first face I remember seeing in this life is my mother’s and that memory is the most important memory I have. It is a memory that is pure love and healing. In the memory I am about three years old. I can remember walking up the stairs of our house. I found my mother putting clean laundry in my dresser drawers. I was running to find her to show her that a scab on my right elbow had fallen off. I don’t remember how I got cut. She looked at me and said, “See, it’s all better now.” As simple a memory as that may be, it may be my happiest memory. I think it is the only memory I have that is completely free of any of the struggles that are part of the relationships we experience in this life. It is a time I can remember true immediate healing. In the years of childhood that followed it seemed as though many of the emotional wounds that today still scar my life didn’t heal so easily.

I’ve tried to imagine how I got that scar so often. Sometimes I think that it may have been my first cut and it was probably the first time I saw my own blood. It was probably the first time I experienced pain. I can imagine how my young mother must have reacted. She probably wanted so badly to take away that pain that she begged God to let her feel it and not me. She probably wished so hard to take on that pain so that I didn’t even remember it. Well, she got her wish. I don’t remember it. I’ve tried, but I just can’t. They say that the first cut is the deepest and most painful. I can’t remember mine. I can only remember my mom telling me it was all better.

Do you remember your first fall? Do you remember your first cut or how it was healed? I have found that one of the easiest ways to heal from new wounds is to remember old scars. I think it is important to understand your scars. In the same way I think that it is important to remember the people and situations that help you heal from painful wounds. These memories of healing can help evict the memories of pain from your mind. I instinctively created a powerful spot of time that highlighted healing rather than pain (the memory of my scab falling off and my mother telling me it was all better). The pain however is the fulcrum of the memory in many ways. Take away the pain of falling and bleeding and the memory has no meaning---no significance. The pain, however, is not the lesson---the ability to heal is the lesson. Perhaps my first memory is proof that we are born with the divine ability to forget past pain while retaining the lesson learned. That is an ability that is often reversed in adulthood. Often adults hold onto pain without ever learning the lesson it was meant to teach.

Today I encourage you to think about those wounds that still cause you pain and to replace them with more powerful spots of time. This cannot be healing if you try to ignore the pain and replace it with unconnected memories; instead you have to find a positive outcome of that pain and try to glean the mythological lesson from it. When you do find the real life lessons associated with your most painful memories, your mind will acknowledge that you no longer need to retain the painful memory, because you have learned its meaning.

When taking an inventory of your painful memories you may see patterns that repeat. If you can identify the lesson and create a positive, healing spot of time, you will find that you are less likely to repeat the patterns of pain that litter your life path. Then you will begin to purge your bookshelf of meaningless painful experiences and replace those with powerful life lessons that don’t deny the pain but instead highlight your ability to transcend it. These are the types of memories and stories that will not only help heal you, but others as well. You can especially heal negative patterns in your family by talking about your healing spots of time with your children and relatives. You can become the mythological hero of your own family by passing on your true and meaningful stories.

A thought on scars… I have a lot of scars from my youth. Some of those scars are physical but most are emotional. Scars though, are what remain after a wound heals. Scars are no longer wounds. Wounds bleed. Wounds cause pain. Scars are healed wounds. I think that scars are the key to understanding one’s readiness to live a healthy life. We have to wait for our scars. If we try to move too fast without letting our wounds heal all we do is cause deeper hurt. It’s like scratching at the scab and reopening the wound. In many ways my earliest and happiest memory of my mother represents the most important lesson I’ve learned in life: if we get hurt, it will heal if we let it. When I realized this I realized that no matter how badly my past hurt me, the fact that it is past means that I have survived it. My scar---whether an emotional or a physical one---is proof that I am healed.

Scars are important to our theology. I feel a close connection with the apostle Thomas not just because of my religious name. I have always admired the story in the gospels that has given the apostle the title “Doubting Thomas.” You all know that story. The resurrected Jesus appears before the apostles and Thomas refuses to believe it is the Lord until Jesus shows his scars. I believe this interaction had little to do with doubt. I believe that Thomas needed to know that Jesus was healed of his earthly pains. He needed to see those scars in the same way we need to see that the ones we love are healed. I think Thomas was showing us that to suffer and die is human, but to heal and live again is divine.

How can your scars become powerful healing spots of time that can help bring others to a place of healing?

I have chosen to include the work of art "St. Sebastian" by Pierre et Gilles because the story of Sebastian's martyrdom has always given me courage to live through the pains of life's arrows. If you do not know the saint's story you can learn more here.

Finding Ourselves...

2010-12-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

"As you all know, I have wanted to tell my story for some time now. For years I have hesitated putting pen to paper, allowing myself one excuse after another, justifying my inaction. At first I didn’t want to write because I did not want to hurt the people in my life. Telling my story means telling some very hard truths about my family and my Church. Even though I have experienced some of my deepest pain because of my family, I forgive them. I also knew that telling my story would involve bringing to light some of the darkest times of my religious life. I would have to talk about sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of priests and continued mistreatment from a religious machine obsessed with covering up such abuse.

Even though my experiences were real and could help many who suffered in the Church as I had, I did not want my “religious” community hurt by the truth of who I am and what I have experienced. I didn’t want my story misconstrued as an attack on the Catholic Church that I love, but I realized it was precisely a veil of secrecy that caused much of the pain and dysfunction in my life. Imposed secrecy is rarely healthy. It is a form of slavery.

I grew up learning to keep a certain reputation in the community. No matter what kinds of struggles our family would go through, it was forbidden for us to speak of it to anyone. God forbid someone outside the immediate family think we were weak, poor, in need of help---or worse, that we were not who we pretended to be. I grew up with an innate fear of judgment. I assumed that it was never appropriate to ask anyone for help because no one would help, instead they would talk about me behind my back and take advantage of my weakness (of course I know now that these ideas are far from the truth) As a result I never felt safe to be myself. I felt obligated to put forth a staged personality, predetermined as my official character. So, I was the perfect snack for a hungry priest abuser because I was trained by my upbringing to keep my mouth shut when I was told to. I was to play the obedient son and obedient victim. They cast me that way. I hated the character that I felt responsible to play. I just hated him.

My character was supposed to be the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect boy in the perfect family. He was never afraid. He never needed help. He was never scared. He never did anything wrong. The perfect son never questioned his parents. The perfect son didn’t really have his own personality; instead he was a compact version of his parents. The perfect son will drop over before tarnishing mom or dad’s reputation as the perfect parents in the perfect family. The perfect student is never in trouble at school and he is at the top of his class. The perfect boy is the all-star athlete and most popular kid in town whose friends are the other perfect boys and girls. Needless-to-say I did not hit the perfect mark in any of those areas. In fact I was often the opposite of what my character was supposed to be. Even though by all standards I was a loving and understanding child, I didn’t fit the role I was expected to play in the family of “perfect” characters.

The problem with “perfect” families is that they usually are so desperate to maintain their reputation that the way they deal with any slight imperfection is to judge and reject it. Anything less than perfect in a perfect family is the enemy; it is the rotten apple that if not cast away could spoil the rest by its proximity. Another problem with perfect families is that their definition of perfection is usually far from reality. After all, perfect is as perfect does, right? Since they are the perfect family, perfect must be whatever they are and everyone else is not. So the enemy becomes anyone who doesn’t do as they do and think as they think, period.

Often the perfect family becomes so obsessed with identifying and casting out rotten apples that they find little time to live a real life. To my family I was one of those rotten apples, though they tried very hard not to let the news of my rottenness slip into the community. After working so hard to introduce my character to the world, it would be pretty hard to get distance from the character they created. Once it became clear that I was not that character, my perfect family set out to find any way they could to write me out of the story without diminishing their perfection. They had to find some way of throwing me out that would make them look heroic for ridding their admirable family of such a vile interloper. I grew up believing that I was that rotten apple spoiling my family’s bunch. I know now that I wasn’t. I was a quite different apple, but not a rotten one.

I tried to find peace and acceptance in my local faith community. At first I found it. Even though my family was not spiritual---or even a church-going family---I was. I grew up only a couple blocks from my parish church so it was easy for me to begin attending mass regularly from about age six. I went to Catholic school and was very active in the parish community from a young age. Priests and Religious Sisters gave me the attention and love I didn’t get from my family and this attention nurtured a vocation to the priesthood that I felt from a very early age. Unfortunately, I found that this love was even more tenuous than the feigned love I received from my family. The Church placed even more burdens of expectation on my young identity. Instead of the unconditional love of God promised in the slogans, I was expected to play a character there too.

By the time I reached my teenage years I was so torn between the false self my family expected and the false self my Church expected, that I didn’t realize that the real me was being drown in the process of trying to be what everyone else expected of me. I spent my high school and college-aged years in the middle of a tug-of-war between two characters who didn’t really exist.

In my early twenties I threw myself into a cauldron of un-identity that boiled over into the lives of my dearest friends and became a ticking bomb in many of my intimate relationships. I unconsciously clung to anyone who had a strong personal identity because I didn’t really know who I was. This aspect to my relationships meant that most were unhealthy and ended in shambles, which in-turn produced feelings of self-hatred resulting from a trained instinct to blame myself anytime a relationship failed. I would spend nights crying over lost friendships and broken relationships blaming myself for failing to play the role the other person needed. Because I had no idea who the real me was, I never gave thought to the possibility that if I just let myself be real, people would love me for who I really was. Spiraling down a dark pit of internal emptiness led to accepted, unnecessary personal suffering. The only role I was honestly good at playing was the role of victim. As you can imagine, my adeptness at being the victim left me wide open for many who were looking for someone to use.

I quickly learned that the willing victim was a role I was good at playing."

...

"Family and Church convinced me to think that because I was such a horrible disappointment---and because they determined that I had nothing of value to offer in any way---my life was of no use to anyone. If my life really was useless, who would be interested in hearing about it? I still believed that I was as useless as my family and my priests said, but I knew so many people who were burdened with the same pain that I thought maybe my useless story could help other people know that their pain wasn’t their fault. I thought maybe I could tell my story and convince some other suffering kid that he wasn’t useless even if I couldn’t yet convince myself of that.

It wasn’t until I realized that my fears were not unique and neither was my pain that I chose to start preaching again. I realized that I couldn’t help anyone until I decided to help myself. After all, even if it would be painful for some to hear my story it was certainly more painful to live it. I realized that countless people have lived it. My story is really the story of so many. Well, I’m sure mine has a few more bishops and a couple more drag queens than yours, but I’m sure you will identify with my emotions. Like many people I am trying to heal from abuse and escape a history of dysfunction. Like many people I tried to heal and escape by running away. I tried to run away from my childhood, from my pain, from my darkest secrets and most humiliating experiences. For a long time all I could do was run. What was so confusing is that as much as I wanted to run---and even after running for so long---something would always call me back to that pain.

What was that thing that would call me back to the pain? Why would I always find myself back in the mire? Damn it! Why? Why couldn’t I just get away from it? I read books, listened to experts, sought counseling, but no one could identify that incessant call to return to places of pain. No one could tell me what that call was and why it had such power over me. No one could explain why this call had the power to stop me dead in my tracks and make me run back to the places of pain that killed my childhood. I wanted to just leave those pains in some distant and forgotten past, but this damned voice wouldn’t let me. Counselors told me that it was a certain emotional pain that had a hold of me and I had to overcome it. Others said it was my own guilt and regret and I had to leave it in the past, put a period on it and more forward. For years I could not to reach out for help and when I finally felt strong enough to do that, no one had the answers I needed.

The abuse from family and priests lead me down a path of isolation, denial, unhealthy relationships and a string of trust and abandonment issues and, most painful of all, sexual identity confusion. After a couple attempts to end it all and an intervention from some good friends, I felt powerless to escape the pain of my past. Friends tried their best to comfort me but since for the first time in my life I was able to talk about this pain and allow myself to fall apart and experience it openly; many of them didn’t know how to deal with my seemingly unexpected emotional shipwreck. I finally decided that it was up to me to dive into myself. I had to find my own answers. I had to heal my own pain. I decided that the only way to get control over my future was to get control over my past. I realized that in order to have future peace I had to find a way to end past suffering…but how? No matter what I tried I still found myself a prisoner of this voice from the past calling me to that pain. "

...

"I had to identify this voice. I had to understand it. I had to almost negotiate with it in order to convince it to let me live in peace. At first I approached it like it was my enemy. After all, it was causing me pain so I tried to conquer it, destroy it. It only got stronger. I hated it. I hated it as much as I hated that character I was forced to play as a child. It wasn’t until I searched that hatred that I realized who the voice was. It was him. It was that little boy. It was the character of my childhood that everyone hated. It was the little boy who was never permitted to live, but who never really died either. He was stuck in some torturous existential experiment. He was trapped and I was the only one who could free him. Sure my family created him and rejected him…priests used and abused him, but I was the one who ran away from him and sentenced him to seeming silence. He was still living in the pain of that almost existence and I was the only one who could go back there and find him. No one else knew where I’d hidden him and it had been so long since I’d seen him and I’d run so far away from him that I couldn’t remember where he was either.

I knew that I had to find him and the only way to do it was to retrace my steps. So I began to do just that. As I started my journey, it was so hard. I had to confront every mistake I ever made. I had to relive every painful moment. I had to take responsibility for all of the pain I had caused other people. So many times I wanted to stop and just die, but I could hear him crying out for me. As I got closer to him my pain became more intense but I kept going. He was stuck, alone, in a place where no one wanted him. I was his only hope. If I abandoned him, he would be doomed to a hell of rejection for all eternity.

After a long emotionally draining search, I found him. There he was, six years old and huddled in the corner of my old bedroom crying and waiting for me. I ran to him and fell to the floor and hugged him as tightly as I could. I told him how much I loved him and how much I’d missed him. I told him how sorry I was for leaving him and for all the suffering he’d experienced. I told him it was all right now and he could finally live and be happy.

After all I’d gone through to find him I still didn’t get it. I thought that it was my six year old self. I thought that I had discovered my own voice…a voice of past pain and rejection. He looked at me and told me that he didn’t want to live because if he went on living, I couldn’t. He told me that he could have let himself die long ago and he would have gone to a place of eternal peace but instead he chose to live on in suffering and pain. When I asked him why he didn’t just let himself die in peace, he told me that he couldn’t bear to die until he knew that I was okay. He knew that the only way I could heal and live a happy life was if I heard him tell me that he forgives me and that he loves me. I searched and struggled to find him because I thought I was his savior, but he was mine and he suffered so that I could be free. He had to let me find him so that I could know the truth. He had to show me the real person behind the character. But it wasn’t my character, it was God. The image I saw in my mind looked like a six year old boy, but the speaker, the voice, was the voice of God in my heart.

It was at that moment that I experienced God face-to-face. He knew my pain because it was a shared experience. Just as I was cast as an unrealistic character, so was he. The God of organized religion has become a false idol. The God of the altar is not the living God of the heart. Once I could see the real person behind the myth and lies, I identified with my savior in an intensely personal way. After years of studying the complexities of Roman theology and gaining no clarity, I realized that God comes to us when the time is right for our healing. No course of study can force God’s own hand. For years I could not understand how suffering could possibly be a healthy way to attain grace. How could a loving God ask us to suffer? How could a loving God cause his own Son to suffer such horrific pains? No Roman authority was ever able to make sense of this perplexing doctrine of belief.

Only the personal experience of God gave me spiritual clarity. God suffered and suffers still not because his passion and death are a ransom for our sin but because we are born into a world of confusion and we cannot easily find our way to peace. He suffers and sometimes in an empty effort because so many of God’s children fail to find him and in failing to find him they fail to find happiness and fulfillment in life. Our heart speaks the voice of God’s love and forgiveness. God is the still small cry of self acceptance planted deep inside us---planted by our loving Creator. If we listen it can grow into the mighty tree of life that each of us is meant to be.

God is not the lifeless statute in the shrine. He is not the doctrinal God of denominational belief. He is not the static word on the pages of your bible. God is the living, speaking connection between us and the Eternal Love. He is the voice of love in our hearts. He is the seed of the divine in each of life’s children.

We carry God into the world when we are endowed with life and we either nurture him by our life or suffocate him by our failure to live. Once I found him in the deepest recesses of my pain and indentified with him, I found the courage to accept his forgiveness of my sins and with God’s own grace I forgave myself of the pains I inflicted on my own life. I could then give God the peace of existence in the world by living a happy life because he gave me freedom by waiting for me and suffering for me. I realized that each of us is the beloved disciple who stands at the foot of the cross."

Personal Inventory and statement about clergy sexual abuse

2010-12-29T12:18:00.000-08:00

Personal Inventory from a day of recollection given to the Order of Penance July 2009:
Since you have asked me to be your bishop I have agreed to speak to you today about me! Not a good sign that my first formation talk after being consecrated is all about me, right? Well, I promise this will be just as grueling for me as it is for you! In fact I’m only doing this at the request of the sisters! After lunch, back to important topics like the preaching of Jesus! I’ve taken a personal inventory I wrote in 2007 and updated it when necessary. I wrote this inventory for a bishop who had asked the Order of Penance to minister to a group of Benedictine Oblates. The bishop wanted to know more about the young and feisty priest who’d be preaching. I’m happy to be able to present this personal inventory to you today. I hope it gives you a better idea of my personal thought on some aspects of spirituality that don’t get much talk time from the pulpit, namely my own feelings and opinions.

My Personal Spiritual Orientation:
I think that my present spiritual orientation can be best summarized in the exchange between Jesus and the Samarian woman at the well, as recorded in John’s Gospel. Like the woman, I have been raised to understand that “proper” worship of God involves a physical temple and ritual only. Whereas my childhood faith was much more spiritual and mystical, I spent a number of years in my young adulthood understanding faith as ritual and loyalty to law and sacramental discipline. In recent years I have tried to recapture the pliant faith of my youth and add to this faith a maturity of experience. I am striving to worship the Father, now, in Spirit and Truth as in the Gospel tells us we should. I want the Father to “claim” me as His worshipper as Jesus says He will if I worship Him as a Spirit.

It has been a struggle to arrive in this spiritual place. It was not easy to shake off the rigidity of my conditioning as a “devout Catholic.” My years of study of Tradition, Liturgy, and Doctrine truly blinded me to the Spirit of God. Like Saint Paul, it took Christ and the Gospel to shake that conditioning and loosen that rigidity and allow me to begin to gain my sight. Seeing by faith provides a more crisp view of the world than seeing by the eyes of flesh alone. It wasn’t until I believed the Gospel (instead of simply studying it), that I acknowledged just how much I didn’t know about the Love of God. It was the revelation of the Gospel that permitted me to “see” the Father through the lens of Christ. Seeing God as revealed by His Son for the first time frees a person.

I was someone who believed that I had a “deep” faith because of my knowledge of “church.” When one thinks he has traveled very far on his spiritual journey only to look behind and see a few short steps have been taken and to then look ahead and see a seemingly unending path, it forces a person to stop and reevaluate his life. I examined my spiritual journey and realized that I was headed not toward God and eternal life, but toward the “institution” called church and spiritual death. I had to stop taking the steps that I chose to take (because I sought the recognition of man) and start searching for the footprints of Christ with the hopes of placing my feet in the shadow of his Love.

My spiritual orientation, then, is of a person seeking to find true, Divine Love. I am looking to worship in Spirit and Truth by living the Gospel and honoring the traditions handed down to me by people of Spirit and Truth. I have come to a place where my spiritual worship has lifted up my ritual worship. I finally realize that the Christ is Lord of the Sabbath and giver of the law and His commands transcend tradition, but do not eliminate it.

I seek to minister to a community who desires to worship in Spirit and Truth first and express that worship in sacrament when necessary.

How has being involved in a movement that is not directly under the jurisdiction of the Pope changed your ministry?
I searched for a community that possessed valid apostolic succession and the sacraments, a healthy devotion to the Blessed Virgin and the traditions of the Catholic Church, an organized administration, a sense of community among bishops and clergy, and an ecumenical outlook with respect to ministry. I believe that the independent Catholic movement not only possesses these elements, but can guide me and teach me to grow in my understanding of those who feel cut off from the church in some way and minister better to the marginalized. Isn’t that what Jesus does? I know in my heart that the canonical nonsense involved in no way diminishes this ministry.

Who are your spiritual role models?
There are many. here are a few...

Dominic de Guzman
One would expect a Dominican to mention Holy Father Dominic when speaking about the people he admires. For me though, it is not the person of Dominic I admire, but the gifts he possessed. In particular Dominic possessed fervor for souls. He taught us that to truly be a member of Christ’s body, one has to spend himself utterly with all his strength in winning souls for God. He would spend hours at night before the altar crying and questioning aloud, “What Lord, will become of sinners?” Dominic loved God so much that he took on the pain God felt when a child was lost. It was because he shared in this pain that he fought so hard for the conversion of sinners. He labored for the Gospel because he believed that no formula for wining souls was more perfect than the formula of Jesus Christ. Dominic wanted to bring those in darkness into the Light of Christ’s Gospel because he knew that once a child felt the love given by Jesus, the warmth of the Father would be too comforting to ever want to venture out into the cold again.
I pray that I can share the same gifts given to Dominic. I pray for the ability to balance my zeal for the Gospel with the humility of a servant…an ability that God nearly brought to perfection in His servant Dominic.

Paul the Apostle
The great Apostle’s example has been a driving force behind my ministry. I see Paul’s strength as something to admire, because he draws his strength from Christ. He is not afraid to assert his rights as an apostle, nor is he afraid to tell his listeners that his call came directly from God and not from man. Paul gives us an example of how to truly trust God.

I want to possess the same trust in God that Paul possesses. He understands his rights as an apostle but accepts the responsibility to live the commands of Christ. Paul reminds us that in accepting Christ’s testimony and becoming partakers in the divine nature, we must behave as responsible heirs of the kingdom. I have leaned on Paul’s advice in developing my “style” as a minister and preacher. His writings help me to gain needed insight into the Gospel of Christ.

Martin Luther
I suppose it’s not every day that a Catholic cites Martin Luther as a role model. For me, though, he is a model of courage. I tend to separate his early years from his later years, in my admiration for him. Some of his later “theologies” are problematic for me, but his initial response to the abuses of the church hierarchy is inspiring to me. I can see his great love for the Church and respect for God’s great love. I think Luther wanted to show that God is mercy and so the hierarchy must be mercy also. I agree with much of Luther’s early thought. I think that he “nailed it” with the 95 theses, pun intended.

Luther had a lot of choices to make. He was content with his priesthood and his spiritual practice. He was obedient to the church hierarchy and operated as ordered in his ministry, until he was exposed to the Gospel of Christ. After “hearing” directly from Christ the commands of discipleship, Luther made adherence to the Will of the Father by the commands of the Son his first priority. He sought to teach the faithful the joys of the Gospel. He was willing to suffer rejection from the hierarchy because he knew that no man could take him from the love of God in Christ.

I look to Luther’s courage and his willingness to sacrifice his own spiritual comfort to do the work of God. It takes a lot to give up your life (at least life as you knew it) to turn and follow the Gospel. Martin Luther did exactly that…gave up his entire religious life to follow Christ. I hope that I can live that same courage. I pray for the strength to continue to choose obedience to the Gospel rather than choose to be comfortable. I hope that I can always choose to preach Truth, and that I never sacrifice Truth to make people “feel” comfortable. I pray that I always seek to be acceptable to God and never cower in order to be accepted by man.

Phoenix
In 1998 I met one of the most dynamic people I had ever experienced. Phoenix was a college student at Rowan University. From the moment we came into each other’s lives, we knew that we would each be changed forever. Without holding you hostage as I describe five years of friendship, I’ll give you an idea of some of the effects that Phoenix had on my life.
Before meeting Phoenix I was so rigid and judgmental that I’m surprised that I was even able to keep an acquaintance, let alone an amazing friend like Phoenix. It was very difficult for me to relax because I was always too worried about what others thought of me. Having grown up the rebel child, then having the life changing contact with the Gospel Christ that turned me into a mini-disciple and then later living in a very controlling seminary environment, I had become paranoid about doing anything that could be considered “wrong” in the eyes of…well, in the eyes of whoever happened to be looking at me at that moment. I was so concerned with putting forward an acceptable appearance, that I was hardly conscious of my own emotions or needs. At some point I’ll talk more about the abuse I suffered from priests which was a major factor in my development, but today isn’t that day. Let’s just say that by my early twenties I had become cold enough to make a penguin shiver.

Phoenix showed me how to love myself and how to love other people honestly; and taught me to at least try to trust others. It is because of Phoenix that I have come to appreciate self-expression and come to value the uniqueness of individuals. This dynamic and loving person helped to loosen my social rigidity the same way that Christ’s Gospel loosened my spiritual rigidity. Phoenix was always a calming factor in my life. Just when I would be ready to “fly off the handle” about some problem, Phoenix was quick to remind me that “it wasn’t that deep.” Because of Phoenix's positive outlook on life it was hard to be in the same room and not feel love and joy. That spirit was intoxicating. Phoenix also taught me how to simply “be me” and not worry about how other people viewed me.

This completely wonderful person taught me so much about life, love, happiness, and self, but because I was always so slow to realize the beauty of the gifts I had right before my eyes and because years of abuse left a very deep pain in my soul, I didn’t understand just how to love and be loved in a healthy way. My inability to really “be okay” caused me to subconsciously keep people at such emotional distance that by the time I would realize I was hurting someone, it was often too late. I never showed Phoenix how much I appreciated his friendship and his spirit. In fact, I often took advantage of his unconditional friendship. After about five years, Phoenix had enough. He deserved unconditional love in return for his friendship. Because I refused to give up the remnants of my post-abuse trust issues, rigidity and fear of control, I lost an amazing friend. I learned too late.

It may seem like this example is filled with regret. Not so. I look back on my friendship with Phoenix as a great gift from God in many ways. I thank God for the years he spent putting up with an emotional wreck of a friend and roommate and for the lessons he taught me…but most of all, I thank God for allowing me to feel the pain of a lost friendship. It is a great mercy that God used this pain of loss to give me a preview of the eternal pain I would feel if I didn’t learn how to love…not just other humans, but God.

All of the wonderful things I remember of Phoenix are just lesser traits of God. Whereas man has a limit to the love he can give, God’s love is unlimited. He sometimes reminds us of our earthly pain so that He can teach us how to avoid eternal pain. His techniques are clearly visible when we look closely enough, sometimes using “reverse psychology” to teach us to make better decisions, God helps us to understand the causes of pain to teach us how to find the things that bring joy.

God also rewards those who learn His lessons. He “makes all things new” and gives us the ability to redeem past sin. Just as Jesus asked Peter to confirm his love for Christ three times on the shore before the ascension, so that Peter could redeem his three denials, God has made it possible for me to love others better. God has given me the joy of being able to make up for my failings in my friendship with Phoenix by bringing me many new and amazing friendships, relationships that have been lasting and loving friendships. I have been blessed with so many wonderful loves.

I’ve written and talked a lot in these examples about how many people have influenced my life. Really, it’s not so much those specific persons who have had such impact on me as much as it is simply the hand of God touching me, the mouth of God speaking to me, the humor of God bringing me joy, and the love of God showering on me…through those people. If you listen closely enough to a person’s heartbeat, you can hear singing in heaven…try it.

What words describe your most important ideas concerning ministry?

Charity…
One must operate with love of neighbor in mind. Without love, as Saint Paul reminds us, we have nothing. I find myself concerned most for charity. My process of maturing in faith has had much to do with charity…with love. In the past I was quick to judge a person, placing the law and tradition of church before the heart of a child of God. I was little concerned with bringing people to experience the love of God and more concerned with aligning people with the norms of worship and discipline. God has had to take an extreme approach in showing me the importance of charity. I’ve not only been the victim of great hatred, but I have been confronted with the results of my actions when I act without charity. Pursuing charity in all things is most important to me.

Equity in Access to learning…
I was a religion teacher for grammar school students for more than fifteen years. For the last few years I have had the opportunity to form adults in the faith. This experience has given me a first-hand view of poor catechesis. The lack of opportunities for adult faith formation astounds me. The misunderstanding demonstrated by many of my fellow Catholics concerning core truths of the faith never ceases to amaze me.

It’s become important to me to offer as many opportunities for catechesis as possible. If there is a need for a particular course on a topic in which I’m not well-versed, I believe that it’s my duty to acquire the necessary knowledge to help the faithful.

I know that there is a need to offer courses that are designed with the laity in mind; however I believe that the laity should have access to the same theology to which the clergy has access.

Self-expression…
I believe there is a beauty in diversity. I am always moved by the many ways people express themselves, especially in terms of their faith. I believe that it’s important to encourage people to express themselves and explore their individual path to God. I also believe that ministers have a duty to ensure that those entrusted to them express themselves in healthy ways, but a minister can ensure this healthy expression by dealing with the faithful in all charity.

How have these words affected my spirituality and search for life’s meaning?
My personal spirituality is more mystical than anything. I find that the individual, intimate encounters with God’s presence are the spiritual experiences that carry me through life. I’ve learned to thirst for closeness with the Father. I have found that God reveals more Truth to me when I contemplate His great love than when I engage in formal study of theology, although I enjoy formal study also. I have found that I would rather experience God directly than to learn about God through secondary sources. It is after I contemplate and experience God’s presence that those secondary sources become more useful to my ministry.

I used to think that I had to search myself to find God, but now I realize that I have to search God to find myself. For me, life becomes more meaningful when you share the experience of God’s love and forgiveness with others.

Because my preaching is sometimes uh…bold? …I was asked if there was any reason why the church might be offended, embarrassed or scandalized by my preaching or my life in general! I know some of the sisters stay up nights asking that same question about me! Well…

It’s hard to really determine what might offend or embarrass another. It’s even harder to try to predict what will scandalize someone else. What I can say is that I have no reason to hide anything in my past. All of my past actions and decisions have led me to a beautiful place of self-knowledge and confidence in God’s mercy. I can hide nothing from God, so I certainly am not afraid to speak of my entire past to any man. I have had those same highs and lows and made the same mistakes that any man on an honest journey to God makes and experiences. I learn from my past and hope to help others grow from hearing about the times I have fallen and the times that God has lifted me up.

What’s important in the ministry of the OPD and to you as a priest?
Woe to me if I do not preach the Gospel! I know that I am called to preach and to teach the Gospel. It is for this reason that I began teaching at such an early age and that I entered seminary and it is for this reason that I helped to form the OPD. Whereas those other areas of ministry, i.e. liturgical and counseling duties, are attractive to me also, it is because I feel a duty to preach the Gospel and to teach people that their sins are forgiven, that I entered ordained ministry.

Since I have been asked a lot of questions about different ministries of the OPD and most of those questions concern the gay outreach ministry I engage in every week I think it’s important to talk about that. Many of you have asked that I explain my reasons for engaging that particular ministry as a bishop and I will consider that request only because of the current lack of understanding in the community about sexual morality issues. I will preach more about this topic in the future, but for now I want to give you my personal response to the same question I ask the new kids who join the bible study I conduct in the gay outreach ministry:

How have you dealt with your own sexuality? Do you believe that your sexuality is in conformity with God’s Love and God’s plan in your life?

I think it’s more appropriate to say that my sexuality has dealt with me. Over my thirty-three years of life I have come to understand that one can neither deny nor succumb to his sexuality. Saint Dominic tells that we must be in control of our passions or they will control us. In the same way Paul reminds us that whereas everything is “lawful” for him, not everything is beneficial. The Apostle makes it clear that he will not permit anything but the Love of God in Christ to dominate him.

I have come to appreciate my sexuality as a gift from God. I can also see how evil can pervert this gift. I have seen what can happen when purely sexual desires cloud one’s decisions and determine one’s actions. The outcome is usually far removed from the presence of God. I am in a place right now where I am wholly comfortable with my sexuality and embrace it; however sexual desire and sexual activity have become so less important than doing the work of God that I find little distraction regarding sex in my ministry. Although, I couldn’t say that in my early twenties! I am not ashamed of my struggles with sexual temptation because those experiences have helped God to form me. To deny or wish those past temptations away would be to risk unraveling God’s weaving of my life.

In terms of Scripture and God’s revelation in my life, I see a much greater chance at bringing myself into sin by an act of judgment against another person, than by an act of sex. Because sex is a gift from God, it cannot be intrinsically evil. For me to teach that idea amounts to error and is dangerous. We must not, however, become gluttonous in receiving the gift of sex or any gift from God. We must also not hurt others by that gift. For me the evil comes when we pervert the mind into thinking that something that comes from the Heart of God will separate us from Him. To say that would be to turn God into a minister of sin. Because of my experiences being abused sexually by priests as a child, it has been very difficult to arrive at a place where I can even talk openly about sexual issues. Ministering to youth who are struggling with sexual issues is important to me because I intimately understand their pain and struggle. I will not ever say that my abuse was God’s will, but I know that He has used my ministry to help me heal and to help others heal from sexual abuse.

I think that, as a disciple, one must be very compassionate in dealing with matters involving sexuality. I know first-hand how painful it is to be taught that something in your nature is evil. The feelings that come from believing that God has placed something in your heart that will damn you can cause you to reject God. To me, teaching a person that a part of their nature will lead to rejection from God will cause a self-fulfilling prophesy. The person will fail to strive to do God’s will in other matters because he feels that his “evil” tendencies are insurmountable and his damnation is impending anyway. This can lead to terrible loss for everyone involved, not least of all for God who will lose a child.

In dealing with all people, I believe ministers must never lose sight that the ultimate goal is to bring the sheep through the sheep-gate. In order for the sheep to follow you, they must know that you will protect them. If they do not hear love in your voice, they will sense danger and scatter. I never want to be a shepherd who scatters his sheep, especially in matters of dealing with sexuality. As a bishop I will never shy away from preaching about sensitive sexual issues. There may be times when I will preach about sexual morality or talk about current events that concern sexual topics, but I will always be careful to speak with honesty and love in these areas.
The sexual tension that exists in our church is…well it’s befuddling to me. We need to “grow up” and stop feeling like sex is a taboo subject in church. Our youth need appropriate direction concerning matters of sexuality and it seems they are not getting direction from the mainstream church so we should all commit to being open to discuss the subject of sexuality! If that is something you are not comfortable hearing from me as your bishop, I will try my best to be sensitive when talking about such things. Woe to me if I do not preach the Gospel. The Gospel involves loving all people and bringing them to God. Sexual morality confusion is responsible for too many casualties in our young people. I’m going to try to work to lower the number of spiritual casualties related to sexual morality confusion. So be ready to help me with that task if you are willing to!